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I hear the same story from many parents that I meet:

“We take them for a fun day at the park/Disneyland/Legoland/etc.; we have dinner and ice cream, everyone’s happy, and they say we are the best parents ever. But if on the way back to the car we refuse to buy them ‘one last thing’ they forget all the fun we had and start complaining about what annoying parents we are!”

Sounds familiar?

I want you to remember that we cannot control what our children think or feel, and we cannot control their behavior.

We can only control the way we react to all of these.

If after a long fun day they choose to complain – it’s up to them.

If after spending time together they choose to remember the one thing we didn’t agree to buy – it’s their choice.

Yes, it’s frustrating.

But if we won’t panic, won’t get angry, won’t feel disappointed – their behaviors, thoughts, and feelings will calm down. We are the audience of their show. If the audience “leaves the theater” – what’s the point of running the show?

I’m offering you to change your reactions.

Instead of getting angry at them, try telling them how happy you are that you got to spend the day together. How grateful you are for having the opportunity to go out as a family and have dinner. 

Don’t ignore their frustration, but don’t let it frustrate you. 

Try it.

It works!

Scenario A:

7:30 am. You serve your child breakfast, pour him a glass of milk, and when he tries to drink, he accidentally spills the milk… The floor is all wet and sticky.

Scenario B: 

7:30 am. You serve your best friend breakfast; you offer him coffee. When your friend tries to drink, he accidentally spills the coffee… The floor is all wet and sticky.

How would you react in scenario A? Most likely you will be angry at your child. You will probably say something like – “You always spill the milk! Why can’t you be more careful?” How would you react in scenario B? Will you help your friend clean the floor? Will you try to make him feel better by saying something like – “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing, it happens”?

But why are we so angry at our child, so disappointed, and when our friend does the same thing we are so supportive? 
Why do we treat guests (or in other cases even strangers) more politely than family sometimes?
What’s the difference? 

Our children need us to encourage them when they fail. 
This is how they will gain confidence, high self-esteem. 
This is how they will learn to keep trying and to always believe in themselves. 

I don’t know about you guys, but when my kids eat breakfast, our table is never that clean…
Drops of milk are everywhere, napkins lie all around, cereals stuck to the table (and the floor….) – You get the picture.
However,
I keep reminding myself that this is how they practice their independence!
How else would they learn how to pour the milk if I always do it for them?
How will they learn to clean up after themselves if I clean around them while they eat?
Of course, it would be easier if I’d clean after them, pour the milk and cereals in their bowls and throw away each napkin after they use it, but what will they learn from that? How would that make them the responsible, independent people I want them to be?
Children can practice their independence even when they are very young! It’s never too early to start.
So for tomorrow morning, I want you to think how you can let your children do more by themselves, even if it means a messy kitchen!

We went to the library yesterday.
My son wanted a book that we couldn’t find on the shelf, although it appeared as available on the library catalog.
He was upset because he REALLY wanted that book, I was impatient because we had to quickly finish there and continue to the next activity and I had two options: Go to the librarian and ask for her help, or show him that he can do it himself.
Looking into each one of these two options made me think about what I want to teach him at this very moment.
I decided I want to teach him that if he needs help, he should ask for it.
I wanted to teach him to be independent.
So he went and asked for her help.
And she helped him and together they found the book!
My son was so excited about the book and so proud of himself for asking for help!
And I was proud of him too!
If we want our children to grow to be independent adults, we need to start teaching them being independent children as early as today.
And a regular visit to the library is a perfect opportunity!

Today I was “that mom”
Today my child was “that child”
That mom that her child was the only child that cried in the morning and didn’t let go.

***

Today was the first day of his new camp. He was nervous.
He didn’t know anyone. He held my hand and didn’t want me to leave.
And I had to leave.
So I explained.
I was empathetic.
I gave him choices (“Do you want to sit on the chair or on the carpet?”)
Nothing worked.
So I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes and told him I trust him. I reminded him of past events when he didn’t know anyone, when he was nervous and how well he did. I helped him connect with his strengths.
It’s not magic.
It does not work in a second.
But I could see in his eyes that something happened there.
I said goodbye.
And I left.
And he had a great day.
When I picked him up and asked how was his day I reminded myself not to say “You see, I told you so…”

******

I was that mom today.
And it’s not easy to be that mom.
And I’m sure it is not easy to be “that child”
And it’s frustrating.
For both of us.
And sometimes you get angry in situations like this.
But all they need
Is us to remind them
That they can.